Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Just for tonight

Tonight I need to do something I don't let myself do very often -- write exactly what I'm feeling without interjecting any humor or putting a positive spin on it. Tonight I just need to get everything off my chest and hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up feeling lighter, happier, more like myself.

The truth is, I'm really struggling.

I'm struggling with the fact that I'm back in the hospital just weeks after I left. I'm struggling with the fact that by the time I'm discharged from this admission, I will have spent a total of eight weeks in this place since the beginning of the year. Two out of the last ten months of my life have been spent within these hospital walls!

I'm struggling with how serious the issue was this time around, how incredibly sick I got, and the way it's taken me an entire week to feel strong enough to be out of bed, walking around. I'm struggling with how many people I consider to be very important in my life still didn't call or visit... have never called or taken the time to visit when I'm in the hospital.

I'm struggling with the fact that I wasn't home to get Morgan dressed up and take her Trick-or-Treating tonight; that I've missed several other holidays and special occasions (Easter, her first birthday party, Fourth of July, etc) because I've been here.

But most of all I'm struggling with the bitterness I can feel inside me this time.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself and I really don't want to be angry, but I just can't shake the darkness I've been feeling the past few days. Sure, I get through the days okay. I can laugh and joke with the nurses, I can hold normal conversations with people and now that I'm feeling a little better, it's really not that difficult to convince everyone that I'm back to being normal, happy Jenny.

But in the quiet moments, when the lights are off and I'm lying in my hospital bed alone with my thoughts or when I get off the phone with Morgan and the tears start rolling down my face, I feel it so strongly - this heartache and frustration that is becoming far too commonplace in my life.

I'm okay, really. I suspect that within a few days I'll get out of this funk and honestly start feeling like myself again. I know that I'm blessed and have so much in this life to be grateful for. I realize how fortunate I am compared to so many others out there, and I make a conscious effort to not take those blessings for granted.

But for now, just for tonight, I need to be able to cry and say that this sucks. This is really hard. This isn't fair, and it's absolutely terrifying.

7 comments:

  1. Perfectly stated Jenny, I feel like you just wrote a page of my life right now as well. I hope you know you continue to be in my prayers. If you ever need to talk I'm here. I think one of the hardest parts is we feel we have to be strong for everybody else, but then who is there to be strong for us? I hope you get through the funk quickly, but remember you have been through a lot and it may take time to feel like yourself again, as crappy as that is! Hugs my friend!

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  2. Oh man - like Emilee, I feel like I could have written this post. :( I'm so sorry it's been such a rough visit - and I think you have every right to feel frustrated and angry and bitter. Sometimes things just suck, and it's important to work through those emotions.

    The only thing I can offer is this... CF is always described as an unpredictable illness, and over the last few years, I've learned that it can be unpredictable in BOTH ways. In the 6 months of my engagement and then the first year of my marriage, I could NOT stay out of the hospital. It was a nightmare. I felt like my entire life revolved around admissions and feeling awful, all the time. In the first year of my marriage, like you this year, I spent 2 months out of my year in the joint, and while I didn't have a kid, I missed an awful lot of time with my newlywed husband since he was up in Rexburg. And then, for no apparent reason, the next year I was fine. I went a whole year without an admission. And then for awhile I was back on the can't-stay-out treadmill. Worse times were followed by better times. But the hard times were still hard, and there were moments where I've felt exactly like you write in this post. One hospitalization in particular from a few years ago stands out as the absolute worst - I had come in through the ER, really sick and in excruciating pain, and while I was in a bunch of my friends had their babies in that 2 week period. It felt like adding insult to injury - here I was, worrying about dying before I got to 40, and they were rejoicing in their new babies.

    Anyway, my point is just - for a long time, I felt like once I started to decline with CF, that would be it... but I really have learned in the last few years that it's not quite that simple, and that for no apparent reason, great times can follow bad ones. Here's hoping you have some REALLY GREAT ones in the near future.

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  3. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It does suck. =( Lots of hugs. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

    PS: on a lighter note, I may have been a smidge disappointed when I saw Morgan didn't dress up as the Zombie dude she "loved" so much! I still crack up reading that entry. She looked adorable as a fairy. I'm sorry that you weren't there to take her trick or treating, but for what it's worth, I'm sure she'll be so much more thankful you're there, getting yourself better, so you can love her for SO many more years to come.

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  4. Sorry Jenny. Hope you get out of there real soo. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

    Larry (GA)

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  5. I'm so sorry Jenny. I can't even imagine the things you are going through. I want you to know that I think about you often and you and your family is in my prayers. I hope things start to look up soon!

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  6. My (almost) 21-year-old daughter has CF. I read your blog for a glimpse into the life of a young adult /mother with CF. I've kept reading because you really are a splendid writer. And you are very funny. That said, I would hate for humor or positive thinking to become a prison for you. I don't think it is healthy for any of us to deny our feelings - good or bad. I sincerely hope you feel better soon. Thank you for keeping it real.

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