Tonight I need to do something I don't let myself do very often -- write exactly what I'm feeling without interjecting any humor or putting a positive spin on it. Tonight I just need to get everything off my chest and hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up feeling lighter, happier, more like myself.
The truth is, I'm really struggling.
I'm struggling with the fact that I'm back in the hospital just weeks after I left. I'm struggling with the fact that by the time I'm discharged from this admission, I will have spent a total of eight weeks in this place since the beginning of the year. Two out of the last ten months of my life have been spent within these hospital walls!
I'm struggling with how serious the issue was this time around, how incredibly sick I got, and the way it's taken me an entire week to feel strong enough to be out of bed, walking around. I'm struggling with how many people I consider to be very important in my life still didn't call or visit... have never called or taken the time to visit when I'm in the hospital.
I'm struggling with the fact that I wasn't home to get Morgan dressed up and take her Trick-or-Treating tonight; that I've missed several other holidays and special occasions (Easter, her first birthday party, Fourth of July, etc) because I've been here.
But most of all I'm struggling with the bitterness I can feel inside me this time.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself and I really don't want to be angry, but I just can't shake the darkness I've been feeling the past few days. Sure, I get through the days okay. I can laugh and joke with the nurses, I can hold normal conversations with people and now that I'm feeling a little better, it's really not that difficult to convince everyone that I'm back to being normal, happy Jenny.
But in the quiet moments, when the lights are off and I'm lying in my hospital bed alone with my thoughts or when I get off the phone with Morgan and the tears start rolling down my face, I feel it so strongly - this heartache and frustration that is becoming far too commonplace in my life.
I'm okay, really. I suspect that within a few days I'll get out of this funk and honestly start feeling like myself again. I know that I'm blessed and have so much in this life to be grateful for. I realize how fortunate I am compared to so many others out there, and I make a conscious effort to not take those blessings for granted.
But for now, just for tonight, I need to be able to cry and say that this sucks. This is really hard. This isn't fair, and it's absolutely terrifying.