Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Does this nervous breakdown make me look crazy?

In my last post I briefly mentioned the Utah wildfires, but I don't believe I mentioned that having so many fires burning throughout the state is driving me CRAZY! Literally. I can't stop reading about the fires and tracking their progress through various websites; I hear people talking about them in the grocery store; it's front-page news in the local newspapers; and especially when there were multiple fires burning right here within my little county, I found myself dreaming about fires almost every single night.

The most vivid dream I remember was one where I had to leave work early to gather up a few necessities and evacuate our home. Adam was at work, so I was running through the house trying to decided which items were important enough to take with me and attempting to keep Morgan calm at the same time. As we pulled away from the house, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw flames making their way down the street, completely engulfing houses, trees and cars as they made their way closer and closer to my own front yard. 

Later, after Morgan and I had found shelter somewhere (at a friends house, maybe?) and I began pulling items out of the small bag I had packed for us, I realized MUCH TO MY HORROR that I had forgotten to pack a razor! And that, my friends, that tiny little detail is what really upset me in this dream. I wasn't all that shaken by the fact that Morgan and I had narrowly escaped with our lives or that we were now homeless. No, those were just technicalities. What really bothered me was the prospect of not being able to shave my legs for a few days!

Clearly there are some significant differences between my-dream-self and the real-life me. First of all, anyone who knows me on a personal level knows that I tend to over react. I'm also a HUGE worrier! For instance, earlier this year there was a state-wide earthquake drill called The Utah Shake Out. Basically they claim that the Wasatch fault line is overdue for a huge earthquake and when it finally happens, Utah is going to be... well, I think the scientific term is: TOTALLY SCREWED! 

The areas that are predicted to suffer the most damage if this earthquake hits are Utah's most densely populated areas like Salt Lake City. Well right about the same time that this Shake Out thing was a big deal, I happened to be planning a hospital stay... at the University of Utah... in Salt Lake City. The more I read about the Wasatch fault line, the more I made myself believe that this enormous earthquake was going to happen while I was in the hospital, miles and miles away from my family. 

By the time I was actually admitted for my two week stay, I had completely convinced myself that late one night I'd wake up to my bed shaking and the hospital walls crumbling around me. I'd probably make it out of the collapsed building, you know, 'cause I'm pretty tough. I'd maybe have a few broken bones or a missing limb or two, but that would only be the beginning because I'd then have to take my bloody and broken body on a trek across the state (which at this point, for some reason, I imagine looking similar to Hiroshima after the bomb) to find my family. 

This is honestly where my mind goes, and the scary thing is that even though part of me knows I'm being absolutely ridiculous, I just can't stop myself from thinking (and believing!) these things.  

More recently, two people in Utah died from Hantavirus. My mind immediately flashed back to the random mice we've found in our house and there was actually a period of several days in which I was absolutely certain that those mice had been carrying the Hantavirus. At that point I just knew that I was going to catch it, but since the symptoms of the virus are similar to the way I feel at the beginning of a CF exacerbation (fever, chills, cough, headache, etc.) it would be misdiagnosed at first. By the time we finally figured out that it was in fact Hanatvirus, not CF causing me to be sick, it'd be too late. There would be nothing they could do for me and I would die from Hantavirus! 

This is the kind of irrational thinking my husband gets to deal with on a daily basis. Please send him flowers. 

Anyway, needless to say, if we ended up having to evacuate our home in real life, I would be anything but calm about it. In fact, I've been scared enough about just the possibility of the mountains near my home catching fire that I recently cancelled some weekend plans Adam and I had because I was about 89% sure that if we left town, our house would burn down. 

Things are dying down a bit and most of the fires that have been raging across the state have now been contained. I'm feeling good enough about things that we are planning a camping trip in the near future and I've actually agreed to leave the house for an extended period of time. I'm even fairly secure in the knowledge that we'll return to our home still standing. 

But you'd better believe I'm packing a razor... just in case. 

3 comments:

  1. Haha. Welcome to my world! That is kind of bad news because it might mean you are infact crazy- because I'm pretty sure I'm certifiable :) I have been on medication to help me sleep at night since after Sept 11th. If I don't get totally knocked out I don't sleep because I will just worry and worry and worry. I eventually learned to stop reading the news. Ignorance is bliss. Or- at least a little less stress.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, my funny, funny girl! I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Can I just tell you how much I enjoy reading your posts. You make me laugh all the time!

    ReplyDelete

First of all, thanks for reading my blog. Whether you visit regularly or this happens to be your first time here, I'd love to hear from you!