Saturday, February 11, 2012

On loss and looking to the future

I'm going to write about something just for me tonight. I debated with myself about whether or not I should say anything on this blog, whether it would be helpful or more painful, but ultimately I think I need to do this for no other reason than to get a little closure (hopefully). I've always said that writing is great therapy, so please bear with me.

I had a miscarriage yesterday.

Adam and I were recently very surprised to find out that I was pregnant. Not very many post ago I talked about my passion for pregnancy and childbirth. In that post I mentioned how I wasn't currently pregnant or even planning to be in the near future. Little did I know that as I was typing those very words, I was actually about 4 weeks pregnant! When a bout of morning sickness prompted me to take a home pregnancy test last week, we were both more than a little surprised by the results.

Adam was ecstatic! When I got pregnant with Morgan, he was more scared than happy. It took him several months to be able to get over his concerns and honestly just be excited. This time around though, he was nothing but excited from the very second we found out. We decided that we weren't going to tell very many people right away, but we did tell some family members and a small handful of close friends over the next few days. I also made the necessary phone calls to a couple local doctors, my CF clinic and a high-risk OB/GYN that the CF nurse coordinator referred me to.

I don't know how to explain it except that something felt different from the very beginning. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Morgan, I felt pregnant. I immediately began making plans and envisioning what our life would be like with a new baby. This time, as I shared the news with people and began making appointments, I almost felt like I was talking about someone else. Even when I called my mom to tell her, without realizing it I kept saying things like "I think I'm pregnant" and "if we have this baby". Though I was excited, something inside of me seemed to be holding me back.

As soon as I got out of bed yesterday (now about 8 weeks pregnant) I began bleeding. At first it wasn't very concerning to me because I bled off and on throughout my entire pregnancy with Morgan, sometimes excessively and often passing clots, but I went on to deliver a healthy full-term baby. When the bleeding got heavier and I started cramping, I began to worry. Never during my first pregnancy was there cramping or pain associated with the bleeding. At that point, I was trying to be hopeful, but deep down I knew I was miscarrying.

By about 2:00 in the afternoon, everything was over. I had lost the baby.

Any woman who has experienced a miscarriage can attest that though it is a physically painful experience, the emotional pain is what eats away at you. Though I felt like something was "off" from the very beginning and I think that part of me even knew it wasn't meant to be, I still lost a baby - a fact that I'm painfully and acutely aware of. That's not something you just get over.

A few people have asked how I'm doing, and the truth is that I'm okay. That's not to say that I haven't cried, or that I won't continue to cry over this. I have, and I will. I realize that. A lot of my emotion yesterday came from my concern for Adam. This has been hard for him, too, and I'm sure that there will be more grieving for both of us. But last night as I laid in bed with Adam on one side of me and Morgan snuggled closely on the other side (she slept with us at my request last night)... I was at peace.

This experience hasn't been for nothing. First of all, we now realize now how much we really do want another baby. We had been back and forth on the subject so many times over the past couple years, but now we've made a definite decision: we will keep trying. Second, planning and actively trying to get pregnant will ensure that I make any necessary adjustments to my medications and also that I get pregnant when I'm as healthy as I can be. I believe that there is a reason I was unable to maintain this pregnancy. There is a saying that goes something like "having faith in God means having faith in His timing", and I do. I believe that this will happen for us when the time is right.

And so... with a bit of a heavy heart, I look forward to the future.

12 comments:

  1. Oh Jenny :'( I am so sorry. I can't imagine the heartache you are feeling. Much love and Prayers.

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  2. Oh Jenny, my heart breaks for you. I know how hard this must be on you. My best friend lost her baby... You are strong & have such a beautiful outlook on this... Everything is for a reason and like you said Faith in God's timing is crucial. I love you & am here for you if you ever need anything.

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  3. When I saw the title of your post, my heart sunk...I'm so sorry for your loss Jen. I'm sure nothing anyone says will take away the pain but know that people love you and are here for you. You don't have to go through it alone! Love you girl!

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  4. Glad to here that with the darkness came light- you have decided to try for a new addition to the family!
    I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I hope you and Adam are feeling a little better each day. I will be praying for your family. Wish there was something more I could do...like give you all a huge hug. :O/

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  5. Jenny, I am honestly so sorry. I read this post last night and I wanted to comment but had no idea what to say. I still don't. I can't even fathom how it feels, but I'm sending out my love and warm thoughts to you. You are so strong and while it was probably very hard to post this and share, I'm sure you are helping someone out there who has gone through this as well.

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  6. All my love to you and Adam. I'm so, so sorry.

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  7. So sad to read about the loss of your baby. You will be in my prayers. Hugs from Colorado.

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  8. Jenny, I am so sorry. I know nothing I can say will make anything better but, I want you to know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you and for your family. Love you!

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  9. I cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. I am sending you cyber hugs although I know they can't possibly help :(

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  10. Jenny, this post made my heart break. I am so sorry you and Adam had to go through such an emotional experience. You continue to amaze me with every post, with your positive outlook on life. I will be keeping you and Adam in my thoughts. As a fellow cyster once said, Love Love Love.

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  11. Jenny, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Walk forward with confidence and let yourself heal. Praying for you.

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  12. I am so sorry for your loss Jenny. My heart broke for you reading this. Thinking of you...

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