I'm going to write about something just for me tonight. I debated with myself about whether or not I should say anything on this blog, whether it would be helpful or more painful, but ultimately I think I need to do this for no other reason than to get a little closure (hopefully). I've always said that writing is great therapy, so please bear with me.
I had a miscarriage yesterday.
Any woman who has experienced a miscarriage can attest that though it is a physically painful experience, the emotional pain is what eats away at you. Though I felt like something was "off" from the very beginning and I think that part of me even knew it wasn't meant to be, I still lost a baby - a fact that I'm painfully and acutely aware of. That's not something you just get over.
A few people have asked how I'm doing, and the truth is that I'm okay. That's not to say that I haven't cried, or that I won't continue to cry over this. I have, and I will. I realize that. A lot of my emotion yesterday came from my concern for Adam. This has been hard for him, too, and I'm sure that there will be more grieving for both of us. But last night as I laid in bed with Adam on one side of me and Morgan snuggled closely on the other side (she slept with us at my request last night)... I was at peace.
This experience hasn't been for nothing. First of all, we now realize now how much we really do want another baby. We had been back and forth on the subject so many times over the past couple years, but now we've made a definite decision: we will keep trying. Second, planning and actively trying to get pregnant will ensure that I make any necessary adjustments to my medications and also that I get pregnant when I'm as healthy as I can be. I believe that there is a reason I was unable to maintain this pregnancy. There is a saying that goes something like "having faith in God means having faith in His timing", and I do. I believe that this will happen for us when the time is right.
And so... with a bit of a heavy heart, I look forward to the future.