The almost daily "We're expecting!" or "It's a boy!" announcements I read on my Facebook feed, the very pregnant women I see
And the more I see and hear about these babies, the more I find myself thinking... I want another one.
Now, let me explain: I don't want one now, or even in the foreseeable future. Between that sassy soon-to-be-five-year-old and that unyielding catastrophic force also known as my toddler, my hands are already full. Sometimes, a little too full (you may recall the paint incident).
But, maybe someday...
After I had Morgan (and became very, very sick) Adam and I decided that we wouldn't have any more children. Initially, I was okay with that decision. It just didn't make sense to put myself at risk for another serious health scare, and the progressive nature of CF must also be taken into account. Even if I were healthy enough to sustain another pregnancy, would I be healthy enough to care for another child down the road? And besides, we are so incredibly blessed to have had Morgan in the first place! We should just be grateful for that and call it good, right?
But as time went on, I began to realize that I wasn't okay with that decision at all.
I was unsure at the time what was causing such conflicting feelings. Was it just the mother in me hating the thought of never holding another fresh-from-the-womb newborn to my chest? Was I upset about seeing my plans for a natural, peaceful second birth experience going out the window? Did I feel as if I'd somehow be letting Morgan down if I couldn't give her siblings? Was I disappointed that Adam would never get the boy he wanted? Or did it just feel so wrong because it was, in fact, the wrong decision for us?
I still don't have all the answers to those questions. But, as I began to express those feelings and concerns to Adam, he admitted that he also felt unsettled about it. Eventually, we came to the agreement that we do want another baby. (It feels good to say it out loud.)
So, now what? Will we try to have another, naturally? Would I even be able to get pregnant a second time? Would we consider adoption? Honestly, we have no idea. There are far too many unknowns at this point to make a plan. Right now we are simply trying to get my health to a more stable point and focus on loving the children that we do have. The details will work themselves out over time. I don't need another baby, or even a plan, just yet.
The HOPE of having another someday is enough to keep this mama happy....