Monday, November 16, 2009

November 2009 Newsletter: 3 months

Dear Morgan,


This month I think I should start by telling you how desperately I wanted to have you. My entire life I've been told that I may never be able to have children and that thought was absolutely heartbreaking. I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant, but I wasn't entirely sure this body of mine would be strong enough to provide for you. Sometimes I look at you and still can't believe you're actually here. When you're old enough to read and understand the things I've written, I want you to know how loved you are and what a miracle it is that we have you.

Before you were born I used to lay awake at night trying to imagine what you would look like. Would you have my eyes? Would you have your dad's nose? When you were finally born you were nothing like I imagined--you were so much more! Before seeing you, it was impossible for my mind to conceive the idea that anyone could be SO BEAUTIFUL! My entire life I've heard parents say that they have the cutest kids in the world.  There were times that I wasn't sure whether or not they honestly believed it or if they felt somehow obligated to say it. Now that I'm a parent myself I realize that anytime a parent has ever uttered those words they were said with the purest honesty. Morgan, I sincerely believe that you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen.


In the past month I haven't felt very well (more about this later) and twice you've also come down with a runny nose and an upset tummy. Most sick babies are absolutely miserable to be around and let's face it, you get a bit more fussy and clingy than usual but you're still an angel. You don't understand what's making you feel so yucky, but between your cries of discomfort you're smiling and laughing like, I'm so happy and cute but WHAT IS THAT TERRIBLE FEELING??? I don't mind when you're clingy because cuddling with you has quickly moved to the top of my list of favorite things to do. Right along with smelling the top of your head and nibbling on your chubby cheeks...or pretty much any other part of your body I can get in my mouth. Your little fat rolls are just-oh-so-enticing and sometimes it's very hard to stop myself from gobbling you right up. But I haven't given in and eaten you quite yet. I mean, how awkward would it be when your daddy asked where the baby was to have to admit "I ate her".


You are changing and growing so quickly, it's unbelievable! It seems like you are learning something new every single day. Those near giggles have turned into full belly laughs. Those hands that used to stay balled into fists near your face or stuffed in your mouth are now open and exploring everything they touch. You coo more and more every day and you're really finding your voice. Your daddy and I love to sit and listen to your "stories". But in finding that voice of yours, you've also learned that you can screech. Can we please talk about the screeching? When is that going to stop? It's not quite a squeal of delight nor is it a cry of discomfort, it's just a loud high-pitched scream. The first few times I heard this noise I came rushing to your side to be sure everything was okay. You quickly learned that it grabs my attention and now it's become a game for you. As I leave the room you screech and just wait for me to come back, then you wave your arms and smile when you see me. Since I know this is what you're doing, that you're not really sad or uncomfortable, I could easily just go about my business but the look of pure ecstasy on your face each time I come back to you is more than I can resist.

These past few days have been the hardest days of my life--physically and emotionally. I've been very sick and have had to stay in the hospital far away from you and daddy. My heart aches for you, Morgan. I can't make it through a single minute of my day without missing you--pining for you. I'm no longer whole without you. Your plump little toes, your delicate fingers, your beautiful blue eyes... There isn't a single thing about you that I don't miss. Grandma is taking care of you while I'm away and more than once I've called her in tears. During those phone calls I can hear you crying or cooing in the background and it eases my soul just a little. Then I imagine you laying on your blanket screeching, waiting for me to come back to you...

Morgan, sometimes it may take longer than others, but I will ALWAYS come back to you.

Love,
Mama

6 comments:

  1. OK so I totally left a comment but it's not showing up. What I said was, this post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you've had such a rough week. Teresa wrote me last week to let me know you were coming in, and I had hoped to get to stop by and meet you before I got discharged Friday, but obviously that didn't work out. You have been in my thoughts & prayers all week.

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  2. Oh. Now i feel dumb. You have moderated comments......... GOT it. Pardon me, technology is NOT my strong point.

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  3. Cindy-
    Thank you for your comments. I didn't publish one of ehtm so hopefully you won't feel so silly. I was also really hoping to meet you!

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  4. Well, I hope that neither of us are in the hospital again any time soon... but maybe someday our schedules will line up again and we will be on the same floor! Ha!

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  5. Again, I am so impressed with your ability to express yourself with words. I wish I could write so beautifully.

    Halle was the same age as Morgan is when I first was hospitalized. I got to see her about every two days, but it was still so hard. I couldn't help but feel it was so unfair and unbearable that I should have to spend the nights away from my baby...that I wasn't there to put her to bed or there when she woke up. I was so worried that she would feel that I abandoned her, and that that would compound any abandonment she may have felt at being placed for adoption. It was so heartbreaking when she started to prefer Chris to me.

    But, I have to say, that immediately when I got home I was her favorite again. She settled back into most of her routines, and life resumed where it left off. I think it will continue to get easier as she gets older and is able to understand where I am and that I'll be back. Now, we can at least talk on the phone and skype whenever she wants. She may not understand why I am not at home, but she knows I still love her.

    I am sorry you are having to go through this. It sucks and it is unfair. But you both will get through it and even though Morgan may be having a hard time right now, she will be okay and at least she will have a healthy mom again when you do come home.

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  6. By the way, I love that picture of her. I am getting so excited to come see her in a couple of weeks. Try not to eat her before I get there. And i am bringing my camera in hopes that we can do a little photo shoot.

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