My mood has improved considerably since yesterday and I credit it to three things.
Number one: I had a wonderful visit with Morgan yesterday. Tommy and Megan stayed here in Salt Lake with Megan's parents so they could be close and I was actually able to see Morgan two days in a row. My doctor explained to me that even though there is a ludicrous amount of medication being pumped into me 24 hours a day, the amount that would pass through my breastmilk was not necessarily harmful or easily absorbed through the baby's stomach. So not only did I get to see Morgan, I was able to breastfeed her! Now I'm sure there are some people out there who think it's just terrible that I would knowingly pass the medication on to her, but before you judge me for that you may also want to know that I regularly leave her home alone with a bottle of Mtn. Dew surrounded by various sharp objects and porn.
Okay, now you can judge me if you want, but all things considered I think the pros definitely outweigh the cons in this situation. I feel that the medications aren't necessarily the best thing for her, but I don't believe they will harm her. Also, if she can breastfeed even one or two days a week it will help me maintain my milk supply (pumping isn't nearly as effective) and it will help her remember what to do. I was afraid that two weeks on the bottle would make her forget how to breastfeed, or that by the end of my stay in the hospital she would just prefer the bottle. So, it was very comforting and encouraging when she latched on without hesitation. She's missed my boobies as much as I've missed her chubby cheeks.
The second thing that has put me in a good mood is that I actually ATE TODAY! Anyone who knows me knows that I do not lack an appetite. Nor am I picky. But I cannot bring myself to eat 90% of the food here. It's that terrible! I understand that they are producing an insane number of meals each day and that they need to take into consideration the diet of certain patients: low sodium, high protein, low fat, lactose intolerant, etc. But really, all I ask is that my milk is cold and that my grilled cheese sandwich doesn't resemble a dead goldfish.
Well today the recreational therapist asked if there was ANYTHING she could do for me. I was totally joking when I told her I'd kill for some good food, but the next thing I know she's standing in my doorway with TWO large orders of french fries...and they were STILL WARM! She also brought about six vitamin waters, some juice (I can't get enough juice!) and a fridge to store them in. I'm convinced she's an angel sent directly from heaven. And guys, I wish I was kidding when I tell you that I ate EVERY LAST ONE of those french fries.
The third thing is that I thought I was going to be on TV. Last night my doctor came in my room and asked if I was willing to be on the news. Apparently he's done a lot of research on a trial drug that would, if successful, completely change the lives of those living with CF. Last week there was a huge article in the Salt Lake Tribune (that I just read) and Channel 4 News is also doing a story on the research he has done. As part of that story they wanted to see interaction between Dr. Liou and his patients and also get a feel for what it's like to live with CF.
Well, I agreed. After all, it's not like I'm exactly new to this whole TV thing. During one of my stays at the Children's Hospital one of the local news channels was doing some sort of telethon fundraiser. As part of that I was interviewed in my room, then later I read the names of some people who made significant contributions. So see, there's a perk to having CF that not many people think about: it gets you on TV.
Anyway, the news crew visited another patient before me and apparently they got all the footage they needed. They stopped in my room and visited, but no cameras were rolling. The whole time I'm talking with them I'm thinking I PUT MASCARA ON FOR NOTHING??? No really, that's actually the part that made me a little cheerier today. Because I thought I was going to be on TV I actually got ready for the day. I put a little makeup on and I actually dried my hair after my shower! It's funny that when I'm home I won't leave the house without full makeup and my hair done. Here in the hospital, I don't care what I look like, so I do nothing. But today it felt nice to get gussied up a bit even if it ended up being for nothing.
I'm really trying to focus on the positive. It's quite a task, but I'm honestly trying. I opened my blinds and let a little sunshine in today. Into my room and into my soul. Tomorrow is another day and I WILL make it a good one.