Monday, September 28, 2009

Baby Blues

Originally posted Nov. 19, 2008

So, generally I’m a pretty optimistic person. I try to see the bright side of everything and focus on the positive, but lately I'm having a hard time seeing anything positive about my current situation... I'm talking about pregnancy. Or, in my case, the lack thereof.

Long story short, because of my Cystic Fibrosis I have always been told there’s a good chance I may never have children. Granted there are some women with CF who carry and bear children just fine, but it’s just not the norm. Maybe it's my optimistic nature, maybe I'm just delusional... but I've never taken that to heart. I've always thought I would be one of the ones who could have babies. But lately, I've been feeling like I'm just totally kidding myself.

It seems to be a pretty common opinion among the medical community that women with CF maybe shouldn’t have kids. Pregnancy takes a toll on any women’s body, and how harsh could that toll be on an already weakened body? I’ve never really expressed this desire to have kids to my doctors because I’m afraid they wouldn’t be supportive. I’m also afraid they would have all these statistics and studies to show why I shouldn’t get pregnant. And after sitting there listening to someone explain just why having a baby would be the dumbest thing for a woman in my position to do and why would I want to put myself at such risk, how could I look them in the eye and say "I still want one"? Honestly, I’d rather live in ignorance.

Adoption is definitely something we have considered, but I just don't think I'm ready for that yet. Even if I didn't give birth to the child, I could definitely love it.. That's not even an issue. (Take Shylee for example...) But I just don't think that adopting could cure this insane desire I have to carry a child of my own. I want to feel that baby growing inside of me. I want to be able to look into the eyes of that baby and see not only Adam, but me too. I want to see what we can create together. I want to go through it all.... the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the stretch marks, the delivery... the whole thing! I know the end result would be more than worth all the pain. It's something I've craved since I was a little girl. I have always wanted to be a mommy! And I feel like we are ready. I feel like we are already good parents to Shylee, and I know we would be a good family for a new little baby to join.

It's becoming harder and harder for me to see other people getting pregnant. When people tell me they're expecting, I'm honestly very happy for them. But I'm also insanely jealous. In the past couple months I’ve been invited to three different baby showers!!! (Yeah, rub it in my face a little more, would ya?) After going to the first one, I immediately knew I had to find excuses to get out of the other two. I just can’t bear to watch these women with their perfectly plump little bellies unwrapping all these cute little outfits and baby blankets. And when she puts her hand to her belly and laughs because "the baby’s kicking again!"... Oh just shoot me now! I find myself daydreaming about a way to steal that baby. Should I wait until they’re in the hospital and sneak it out under my coat? Or, ooh, I once watched a show on TV about some woman who went crazy and cut a baby out of it’s mother with a set of car keys... Hmm, but I bet that would really put a damper on the celebration and I’m not one to ruin a party.

I find myself becoming very bitter toward these girls who marry just out of high school and are pregnant three and a half days later. Even more so towards the people who randomly hook up one night at a party and end up pregnant. Then I see people who are terrible parents and I think "I'd be so much better to those kids, why do they get to have them and I don't?" I realize that God has a plan for everyone and that I shouldn’t be thinking those things, but... I’m human.

I've received all sorts of advice, with the best of intention, I'm sure. I've heard everything from which vitamins to take and what foods to eat to what positions work best. Then there's the classic: "Just stop trying and it will happen". The truth is though, that the first two years we were together we weren't necessarily trying. We've never really used protection because we've always thought "well, if it happens-great!" But it wasn't until a little over a year ago that we decided we were actually ready and really started trying. So, I'm not a big believer in the 'stop trying' idea.

I realize I sound very pessimistic and this entire entry has just been me complaining. I know I'm not the only person out there with similar problems and feelings. It's just been on my mind a lot lately, and sometimes I feel better getting my thoughts written down rather than just obsessing over them in my head...

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